There is this awkward prepubescent girl that coexists in my mind. She is the one who is overlooked, that seeks approval and wants everyone to like her. I have been reminded of her many times in the last few weeks.
I read a blog that resonated with me and happened to compare the content of the article to being a 7th grader, getting pushed around in the hallways. Yes, that would be what I am relating to. Trying to find my way around without getting shoved into a row of metal lockers or dropping my armload of books. To avoid being teased and made fun of for what I am wearing (or not wearing) to school.
I have tried to evict this annoying girl out of my life but she always manages to stick around. Her presence is there and I am reminded that there is still more to address before she can grow up and move on.
Every once in awhile I will cross paths with a person from my past and the awkward prepubescent girl makes an appearance. Facebook is a venue where this will happen. I like to use it as a forum to stay connected to friends and family. The awkwardness comes when a former friend happens to leave a comment on the pages of a mutual friend. I get wrapped up in the old hurts and think about the reasons that friendship has dissolved. On a bad day, it gets me worked up.
I know about the different options of blocking parties so that they magically disappear, assisting with putting away the bad memories mixed in with significant portions and experiences I had with an individual. It seems, well, childish to hit a button to virtually erase their existence from an online world. I did this a few years ago, when the pain was too fresh and the wounds were too deep. It helped but it didn't prepare me for real life interaction or the occasional run in at the local store. In real life, you can't erase or block someone (although there are people who will debate this). To me it isn't reality.
Several years ago there were a group of friends, which included my only sister and best friend, who betrayed me and violated my trust. Well over 200 years of friendship existed between me and them. I am still working thru this and know so when I stumble across a situation that requires trust and acceptance. That awkward, insecure prepubescent girl makes an appearance. I doubt my worth, I doubt their loyalty. I think back to the people who hurt me and try to protect this naive girl whose outfit isn't designer labeled and not a single digit size. I know the depths of the hurt and at the hands of people who I loved and try not to make the people in my life today see this girl who hasn't gone away.
I know that I have grown from the pain and that it has made me stronger. I give credit to support groups I've attended, a small group I belong to, lunch dates and weekly dinner dates, and attending church to the healing of my heart. I have leaned on my faith to get me through the rough patches when I felt alone and hurting. I have worked on being authentic and transparent as I muddled my way thru it. I try to give credit where credit is due. I believe there is a purpose to it all and the end result is ultimately growth.
But that prepubescent girl still sticks around..........
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